I write to you a changed and broken hearted man.

  I write to you a changed and broken hearted man.

You are going to have to excuse me, this will be all the place and will not be perfect, this is coming from the heart.Where I do I begin. I guess from the start. I know it doesn’t seem that way but I never meant to hurt you never meant for things to go the way they did.You wore me down and broke me down and have made me weak for you.That’s not a complaint. You know, you’re the only person who consumed me like that. It was like being a real person and having a reason to be happy. Not just a responsibility or an appearance to seem normal. It was the truest thing I’ve ever felt. You are the first women to make me feel this way and I really don’t know how to handle it. Kelsey, When I first met I remember I told you I thought you were a quiet girl. Do you remember? When you let me into you’re life by starting to talk to me in marketing. I remember asking you if I could add you on facebook, with you knowing my intentions. My intentions changed when I saw you get out of your car on our first date. I was stunned! That night you made me nervous like no one has before. Those six months we were together, I was happy! And I took you for granted as my Girlfriend. I thought that you needed me more then I needed you and that is so far from the truth. I needed you all along! Over the six months I ignored you, I neglected you and I treated you like crap and you didn’t deserve that. Late October into late November is when our low point was. We barely talked, we saw each other at work and you rarely slept over. I know I was working that full-time job but, I thought of myself. I felt you weren’t happy with the guy I was being at the time. I could tell over the phone when we talked. You were losing the happiness and in late November I got scared and I broke up with you over something that was said and didn’t offend me but, I felt you were trying to get out and I could have changed but, me being the selfish person I was. I even asked you if you were disappointed in the fact I wasn’t the guy you thought I was? You told me “Yes, you weren’t the guy I met last spring” I changed a lot! Into an uncaring person but, deep down I cared. I was scared to show that emotion. The last happy thing I remember was the flyers game. I should have told you I loved you, because I felt it that night but, I was scared! Scared of what you might think.  I wasn’t going to change for anybody. My friends told me to think about my descision and I ignored them. I knew you were upset! I know you cried at night. After the break up, I knew I made a mistake. I didn’t know how to deal with it. So I texted you a lot and I did harass you and some of your friends. I really didn’t know how to handle it. Over the upcoming months till opening day at sesame. I sent a lot of stupid text messages, that I regret ever sending. I know I didn’t help my chances by doing that. I got your friend Z involved when I should have handled it myself. I’ve called you names that I don’t mean. I made you feel unsafe at work, when you shouldn’t have felt like that. I sent Facebook messages to a girl I hooked up with in 2011 and told her you were horrible at blowjobs, when I should have talked about our sex life with you. I never cheated on you Kelsey! I know throughout the relationship, I didn’t give it 100%, I’m not going to lie. I know I sent you a picture of a girl and said that “Meet your replacement” You don’t have a replacement! There is no such thing for you. I can’t change what I did, and I can’t fix what’s broken. I’d like to say I’d go back and change it all. Truth is I wouldn’t. I’d go back and make sure it never happened. Make sure you never experienced the destruction that I caused and the heart ache.You’re to perfect to have ever been put through any of that.I’m gonna let you know what you have done to me. When I saw you on variety day at sesame. My heart sunk. I tried to tell myself before the season started “ohh yea I don’t care.” Trying to be tough. At that moment I realize that my feelinsg for you were stronger then ever. I just wanted to grab you and tell you how sorry I was and how I miss you. I wasn’t going to do that though. Everyday when I wake up. My first thought is about you. I lose sleep over you. I think about you all day to the point that I’m depressed and someone else is going to steal your heart. I wasn’t happy when you told me “you were scared of me.” I don’t want that! I want you to feel safe with me. I would never hurt you again. I look at my phone constantly hoping you will text me. Hoping you may call me. Hoping you still think about me like I think about you. Everyday, I think about you. Just today while at the gym on fort Dix. The radio mentioned sesame place and right away I thought of you. When I came back to sesame in 2013 to security and left to go back to park quality in 2014. I wasn’t meant to be a team lead or anything. I was meant to meet you.I miss you! I miss hearing your voice, so I go to your Instagram and listen to the video of me opening up my birthday gift to hear you say “keep opening” It has brought me to tears. You make me wanna be a better man Kelsey. All I can say is that when this life is all said and done, as I’m laying on my death bed pondering my final thoughts, they’ll be why did I ever let the purest, most perfect thing in my life get away. Why couldn’t I just show that I cared for someone who cared about me? Kelsey, I do love you! With all my heart. I know that’s what you wanted to hear. I wanna show you the man I have become. Not this angry negative person. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m the creature that I am. I’m sorry for everything that happened between us, with us.