Please write a constructive critique for the revision of original message bellow.

Please write a  constructive critique for the revision of original message bellow.  
Message

Evaluation

The writer used unnecessary language in his message and he was all over the place. He went from trying to promote his book to trying to promote his art. The writer could have been more concise and to the point. I think the writer’s tone is a little too aggressive. He should have put some type of time frame of when he needed a response as opposed to saying “please let me know ASAP”. It’s almost like the writer is trying to take over the book show.

Revision of original message

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I am responding to your announcement in Publishers Weekly about the book selling show you are having this summer. I would like to get some to show my books. I would like to do some airbrushing on T-Shirts live to promote my book T-Shirt Art. I would also like to promote my new book How to Make Money in the Sign Painting Business.

I am looking forward to being a part of the show and have enclosed a bibliography as well as my photo of myself.

P.S. It would be helpful to get the price of booth space by the end of the week, so I can prepare myself.